i feel like im gonna throw up...

I have a meeting this morning with Mia's teachers. I woke up at 4:40 in a fetal position with my arms wrapped around my chest, my jaws clenched, and my feet tingling. iv'e come to know this as my super anxious sleep pose.

sometimes I wake up curled in a duck and cover position with my arms wrapped around my head. that's when things are really bad

i think i'm most scared of losing my shit on them. that would be unproductive, but maybe super satisfying.

at some point in the last week or two, i let go of the hope that mia would start doing her school work, at least to the point of passing. im way past the hope that she would perform to her potential.

i guess thats part of it... perform... she does not perform for anyone....

mia does what she wants, when she wants to. i realized she always has. like... since she was 2...

it brought me great relief to realize (remember) that Mia's future does not really depend so much on her 8th grade report card. I mean it might, to a certain extent, but that's for her to figure out.

as parents (humans) we try to protect our children (loved ones) from pain, disappointment, regret. we naturally try to prevent them from making the same mistakes we did, or avoid learning lessons the hard way.

but that's just it.

we each have to learn our own lessons in our own time in our own way.

we each have to walk our own path

so

my goal is to keep calm and carry on. i hope to leave the meeting with a clear list of specific consequences (summer school, repeating classes next year) so mia can make an informed decision about how she continues/finishes this school year.

hopefully i will not leave with shards of bone in my teeth...

burp

in the beginning was the word...

 where to begin? I’ll begin with the Word

the Word is

NO

NO to the self criticism

NO to the self judgement

NO to the self loathing

NO to the shoulds

NO to the shouldn’ts

honestly… if anyone said out loud to me the things I say to myself they would clearly be abusive

NO to the self abuser

(not an easy task…that perpetrator is sneaky and insidious)

***

and after NO comes

YES

wise, inspiring, ah-ha YES moments bringing

a light in the darkness…a laugh in the vaccuum

‘if it makes you feel like you want to be smaller stay away from it-if it makes you feel like you want to be bigger embrace it’

‘it’s all about the love’ (that one was said over and over again)

‘the wound is where the light comes in’ -rumi

and then the chanting

om namah shivaya

voices soaring together

transcendent

TOTALLY TRIPPY

catapulted me into a whole new space

where the word is

YES

1.